Today I feel a bit fractured and about 16 years old. Part of my mental illness includes periods of dissociation. It used to scare me at first but now I know it’s just a part of me. The feelings I have are what I call a mixed episode, which means that I am having both manic and depressive symptoms at the same time. Kinda fucked up huh? I’ve learned to adjust. I can work when I’m like this because the mania keeps my depression from forcing my body onto the couch while I watch re-run after re-run of House. I have all 8 seasons completely memorized!!
The best part of mixed episodes I can write the best dialog for the story I am currently writing. It’s like I get all the benefit of the creative depression with the actual energy to write it down. I hate when I am laying on the couch, depressed as hell and I can just see my characters interacting and talking and having the greatest experience, and I want to write it down, I really do, but the effort to get a pen and paper seem so overwhelming so I just lay there and forget.
So I’m learning to appreciate my mood disorder and use each mood for a useful purpose. However, feeling fragmented is hard. Right now the age thing is making dating this new guy particularly difficult. I sit with him on the couch feeling like a kid with an old man but I know logically that he is age appropriate. I like him but he’s going want sex eventually and unless I can get out of the dimension I’m not going to be able to. I feel like I should warn him about what he is getting into with me but that seems dramatic. I’m not like this all the time and I function fairly well. Maybe I just want to fall apart to see if he is the type of guy who will rescue me. Huh? I may have hit the nail square on the head. I have this deep, unhealthy need to be rescued, and I think maybe I am testing the waters to see if he is the one who will save me. I’ll have to spend some time exploring that because I think the key to me getting out of this fractured state of mind lies in resolving the reoccurring theme of my life of wanting to be saved.
fuckedupedness 